Try

My husband and I have been talking the past couple of days. He came over last night and we talked for a few hours. We have decided to allow the divorce to continue, but to see if there is a way that we can work through this. We love each other so much and both of us are not ready for this to be the end.

He came up with a great idea. Over the next few days we will write down things about each other that we feel need to be addressed and worked on. Then we will get together and go over them. Every time we have had a problem we just sweep stuff under the rug and continue on and then end up in the same place we were before. We can't live like that.

I think it's a good idea and one I'm willing to explore. I don't want to throw in the towel and I didn't want this divorce, but I have to understand that one person does not a marriage make. I have issues that have plagued me for years, and this is a way to express those and see if there is a way to make this marriage what we both feel it should be.

I think the time apart has been a good thing because I have realized things that I won't live with anymore and he has seen the same things.

I know that people aren't going to understand this, but I don't really care. It's my life and I have to live it. Some may think I'm making a mistake and not everyone is going to agree with me, but I have to do what I think is best for me and then I'll live with the consequenses, good or bad.

I love my husband and I want to explore this new path. I just really want my family back, with a few changes, but back together.

It's Beginning...

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas! I love this time of year. For the first time since I got married I got to decorate for Christmas Thanksgiving night. My husband hates the holidays and wouldn't let me decorate for Christmas until it was right between the two holidays.

I know that some of you are going, 'So what if he wouldn't let you, you should have just done it anyway.' But here's the thing, it wasn't worth the fights or the negative attitudes. It's my favorite time of year, my birthday is 10 days before Christmas, and I didn't want anything to ruin my month. Did it suck? Yes. Did I hate it? Yes. He was usually good on my birthday, but all I heard for 2 months is how awful this time of year is and how much he hates the holidays.

So what!!! Get over it. It's going to happen EVERY year. It's not going to magically go away. I am going to try and love this season this year. It's been a bit difficult, we just had Thanksgiving and it was the first one in 9 years that I didn't have with him. I'm learning that it's okay and that I'll be fine.

Love for my husband is still there, it's just hard to do this. I care about him and only want good things, but learning to be on my own is okay, too. It's strange to see how far apart we have grown in just 3 months. I guess that's just how things go.

Anyway, I'm glad that Christmas is upon us. There are many meanings and reasons for the season and I embrace them all. As much as I hate the cold, I sure do hope it snows for Christmas Day. I need snow for Christmas and then it can all just go away.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

In love with Snuggs!

This is how my baby looked on the day I met her and fell in love with her. She fit in my hand. She was so little. Now, she's 30 pounds and a big bundle of energy! I adore her.

Garlan had never had a pet before and for the first couple of days he thought we had made a big mistake. He thought she had no personality and that she was boring because she slept all the time. I told him that she was nervous and just had to feel us out before she really became herself. It only took a few days and then she was chasing things and loving us both.

Last Friday, when Garlan came over to grab some stuff before his big move on Sunday, Snuggs and I walked him out to the car. He was returning some things to me that were in his car that he hadn't brought into the house. As Snuggs and I were walking away Garlan said, "I love you." I was already crying and didn't respond.

It was nagging at me for the last few days so Tuesday night I sent him a text and said, "The other night when you said I love you, were you talking to me or Snuggs?" He texted back and said, "Snuggs." I have to be honest, I was really hurt. I didn't cry, I just realized that Garlan isn't sad that he's losing me, he's sad that he's losing Snuggs. How funny that he can say he loves an animal, but can't, or won't, say anything to me. The last time he texted me that he loved me was October 24, when he sent the text that said, "I love you so much. I am sorry for everything that I've done and not done." Then he said he loved me on October 30. Then 3 days later, on Monday November 2, he tells me he wants a divorce.

When he would come over he would act normal, like nothing has happened. He loves Snuggs and plays with her, she goes ballistic and is all over him. When he leaves I cry and I'm pretty sure that he's fine. I'm sure he has his struggles, but why hide that from me? It makes me think he doesn't care. He acts like all is right with the world, and maybe for him it is.

Anyway, just stuff on my mind and I always feel better when I write it down. I write a lot better than I speak. Some of the stuff you'll see coming up may be depressing, or not, I don't really know. I go through emotions that I'm surprised are surfacing. It's weird all the way around. I'm just glad I have Snuggs to talk to, although I think if she was a person she would tell me to shut-up and get on with my life...

Mostly Out

Well, this weekend Garlan moved all his stuff out of our condo. He got most of it yesterday (Sunday). When I got home I noticed a few things that he left behind. I got a couple of hoodies that he didn't want (they are too small for him now) and then just some junk that I threw away. I called him and he told me that he took out 2 bags of trash after going through all his stuff. I picked up after him from the things he left behind and I also took out 2 bags of trash! There are a couple of things he left, some towels and nick knacks from our cruise to Jamaica. He's going to come and get those things on Friday. He didn't realize he left them. He set them off to the side when he was throwing things out and then forgot to pick them up.

I've taken all my pictures of us and put them in a box along with the wedding rings (minus the one I'm wearing right now), the marriage certificate, and the marriage license. I'll add my current wedding ring and the divorce decree when I get them. At that time I will remove my wedding ring, but I am still married so it stays put on my finger.

Things just feel strange, vacant, and lonely. It's very weird. The plethora of feelings I go through is totally surreal. As strange as it sounds I'm excited for the holidays. It's my favorite time of year and although it's going to be tough, at times, I am excited for all the family time. My grandparents from California are coming and I know that things will be great.

Funny Feeling

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you? You never see them, but you feel eyes on you? I've been experiencing that for the past couple of days. I don't mind so much when I'm at work, but when I'm at home it's a little unnerving. And the strange thing is I constantly turn around to check. I look like I'm dancing in circles when I take Snuggs up to the mailbox. Every once in a while I see a person, but they are people I see around the complex all the time. I don't get it.

I thought I'd have some issues after filing my divorce papers, but not like this. It's strange because I feel comfortable in my decisions and actions these past few days. I just wish this creepy crawly feeling would go away. It would be nice. I've told myself to ignore it, but then you think of all the people who tell you to never distrust yourself or ignore your instincts.

Whatever... I guess I'll just feel watched, or find out who's doing the watching.

Filed!

Well, I did it. I filed for Divorce today. In fact, I just got back from the courthouse. What a shitty thing to do (pardon my language, but that's how I feel!). No one can prepare you for that experience and I hope I NEVER have to do it again.

I went to the bank across from my work because I had to have some papers notorized. I cried in front of the Notary Public and she told me that it would be okay. She said I was lucky because I am young and can have a fresh new start. She gave me a book that she wrote about her great grandmother and how her motto was 'Keep on keepin' on'. She told me she was on marriage 3 and that she's happier then she's ever been before. I really hope I am never in that boat.

I came back to work to make some copies for my files and for Garlan (I had to sign papers that I would deliver them to him today). I worked for about an hour and a half and then went to the courthouse to officially file the papers. I didn't cry at all. I got chokey, but I didn't cry. I went out to my car and that's where it all came apart. I cried for the longest time. It was so hard, it still is. I don't want this divorce, but he does and like I said last time, if I wait for him to file the paperwork it wouldn't get done anytime soon and I refuse to be married to someone I don't live with.

The 90 day mandatory waiting period starts today and in February I file the final papers and then I'll be divorced. I texted Garlan after and said I had filed the papers and the things he needs to do. At the end of the text I put, "This sucks." He texted back and said, "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say." I texted back and said, "There isn't anything you can say to make this okay or better."

So, that's where I'm at. I'm back at work locked in my office (thank goodness I don't work in a cubicule) trying really hard to not cry. I'm struggling and I know that I will from time to time. I'm just grateful for the family and friends that I have to help me through this. I know there's a light at the end of this, but it's pretty damn dim right now.

Filing the Papers!

Well, I printed out my divorce papers and got them all filled in. I will be filing them on Monday after work. I wonder how many people go to the County Clerk and cry when they file. Probably not many because for most there is a darn good reason they are ending their marriage and it's because of many problems. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have a hard time because although I talk a tough game and say this is the best thing for me, it's really hard. I'm really struggling because I don't really feel like this should be the end. I feel like a failure, like I failed at something that I should have excelled at. Maybe it's illogical, but it really runs through my head.

It would probably be easier if I didn't love him, but I do and that makes it worse. Love can't fix everything, as I've told many people, but sometimes I wish it did. We dated and things were going really well, and then he told me that he wanted the divorce. When I think about it I find it interesting that I'm the one who's filing, but if I didn't file I doubt it would get done and I don't want to be married to someone I don't live with. I also don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want a marriage.

One thing I'm finding really interesting is that I can't take off my wedding ring. I take it off every night when I go to bed, but I can't leave the house without it. I've decided that when I get the Decree of Divorcement I'll remove it at that time and add it to the box I've started of all things that I'm keeping from this marriage. I have a box that has a few pictures, the Marriage License, his wedding ring (he took it off after the first year because it didn't fit anymore and he didn't want another one), my original wedding ring, and one of my bridal pictures. I'll add the Divorce Decree and my wedding ring when that time comes. Even though the ring symbolizes my commitment to my marriage and my marriage as a whole, I'm still married and I can't throw away, or remove, the symbol that shows that.

It's really strange to think that I'll be married for another 90 days, at least because that's the mandatory waiting period. You can have that waived, but I have no reason that the court would find valid enough to waive it. I can't say anything mean or nasty, or say that I fear for my safety. I can't say I fear for my kids because I don't have any (except for Snuggs and he'd have to seriously kill me to take her from me, besides he doesn't have the time or patience to take care of her). That would all be a lie and I don't work that way.

I never believed that I would marry my best friend and then divorce him...